k.

Am I interesting or plain?
I don't know how i came up with such a question. I guess it's that i've been sitting on the coach, thinking about anything for a little while now.
I guess most people want a drama-free life. That's why maybe most people won't choose me over anybody else with a less distinctive habit of mood swings. I wish my personality was not so sombre so often, because it's so much easier not to have that sense of finality when something bad happens, as life is about constant change. Nothing, literally, nothing persists through time and it's so much easier to just be able to let go - not to let my mind linger on the past too much.
I intelectually always could understand this, but I never felt it.
Now I do.

we never really realize

We never fully realize
what we’ve lost
until some time
has passed
for us to use
the future as concrete facts
and some loneliness
has last
a little.
We never fully realize
that love is what we see
in our minds
and we grasp tightly
to what we hold dear.
I never fully realized
that your hands
could give me that
warmness
of which I have been
unremarkably deprived
and your eyes
that once I haven’t loved back
I would love now.

K. .

Lifedance

A believer

A believer,
A believer stops believing
when there’s nothing left for him,
and he grows inside of him a tumor
of hopelessness and desolation.
A believer
that had stopped believing
eventually will turn back to his faith
for faith is stronger than experience.
But when an atheist cries out “God”
you know this is a paradox
born out of utter desperation
desperation that would persist,
for it needs much hopelessness to cry out
to someone you don’t believe to exist,
but that you believe is your last
and only
chance to be heard.

The implicit sexism in our society

For some time now I have felt hopeless about the gender stereotypes in our society and how many women have been and are treated as possessions; even as an observer of the relations and communication between men and women I have spotted some behavior patterns;
I can sadly note for myself now some trends among my friends and people I know. (It's a firsthand experience)
The first thing that I have spotted among my friends is: Boys, even those in relationships, (not talking about grown-up people) tend to consider the opinion of a female as less important. What makes me wonder is the girls' detachment, that their opinions are not taken in consideration, and their unwillingness to give an opinion, especially if the process of forming one involves the thinking process. Another thing that I have noted for myself is that when a girl proposes something that is obviously of some intellectual value it is usually overlooked, scoffed at, or simply ignored. And even if I assume that this happens to me solely because of my ignorance and stupidity, I have many times seen males overlooking an opinion in a light-hearted, humorous way, even though it has been of importance/value.
Secondly, for a man to be attractive, he has to have- a job, interests that he likes to pursue, some kind of intellectual property that others value, so he might succeed (of course, there are other ways to success; especially in Bulgaria some people think intellect not only is not crucial to success, but it also may get in the way) power and so on. It's the stereotypical image of the successful man. Women of course also work. That is true, but nevertheless, for a woman to be attractive, she has to be good-looking, caring (i.e. a nurturer) and generally cheerful (so that she can tend the man in his hardships); she is not supposed to have a job - a job doesn't "win" her points, she's not more (or less) attractive because she has (or doesn't have) a job; It is what I have seen that makes me think a woman might not work and be as high in the social hierachy as if she had been working, which, for a man, is unacceptable and unprecendented. Which, in its own way, provokes men to value their own intellect.
Lastly, women seem to be content with their situation. Even the smart girls I know keep quiet and make sure not to excel boys.
Surely, I am not the first person to spot these, if I may call them so, trends, but it still bothers me sometimes, because conformism is a bitch and, however unwilling I might be to conform, I sometimes catch myself thinking: "Wouldn't it be good to be like the other girls, normal, ...etc."
I don't want to conform.

Now some statistics...

The site 750 words I wrote about in a post, finally gave me some statistics; The site uses 2 softwares to analyze text - one of them is: Regressive Imagery Dictionary that calculates the various emotional content of each day's entry. Of course this software isn't all that trust-worthy, but sometimes it's right on.
So now some statistics:

(Pay attention to the world's average "Swearing" and mine; also I have no idea what PG-13 means)

(These emotions are ordered with your highest average scores at the top. You can compare your average emotional content with the last 7 days of writing, or with the world's average score; in this case the latter)


(This is your view of the world, i.e. time orientation, or what you mostly consider: past, present, future, the dead-purple-pinkish color is my average and blue is world's average- e.g. the other 750words users)


and you can see your overall mindset while writing (mine is generally negative and introvert) :



The end.